Halloween Movies

Reviews by Junior

The leaves are turning, the air is crisp, and there are plastic spiders, synthetic spiderwebs and carved pumpkins decorating the houses up and down my street. All of which means that it must be my favorite time of year, Halloween, a time to dress up in outlandish costumes, get some candy, and celebrate all things ghastly and ghoulish. To get in the mood, I've been watching some horror movies lately, and thought I'd offer some short reviews of them, in no particular order...

Jennifer's Body
Starring Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried

This high-school horror movie from 2009 features local favorite Amanda Seyfried and Megan Fox (as the title character) in a campy story about two girls who part ways after a fateful night seeing an aspiring indie rock band at a club. Jennifer is the pretty, popular one, like Alicia Silverstone in Clueless, and Amanda plays "Needy" Lesnicky, her pain-Jane BFF. After Jennifer goes off in the band's van she returns, changed, and with a desire for eviscerating her male high school classmates. The story's played mostly for laughs, the gore is light and the sex even lighter, considering Jennifer's actually been turned into a succubus. Still, Amanda Seyfried is good in it. Mildly entertaining.

Wes Craven presents Dracula 2000
Starring Gerard Butler, Christopher Plummer and Justine Waddell

This decade-old entry into the Dracula sub-genre begins from an interesting premise: Dracula is truly immortal, and cannot be killed. Van Helsing (Plummer) has captured him and devoted himself to eventually finding a way to do so, but has been unsuccessful for a coupla hundred years. To extend his own life to watch over Dracula, Van Helsing has been taking regular injections of Dracula's blood.

Predictably, some thieves break into Van Helsing's private holdings and inadvertently free Dracula (played, unrecognizably, by a younger, thinner, non-bearded Gerard Butler), who makes a beeline for Van Helsing's daughter (in New Orleans, natch), with whom he feels a connection because she carries his blood. Along the way he makes vampires out of Jeri Ryan, Omar Epps and others, and Van Helsing and his assistant pursue. Vampire slaying ensues---kinda makes you wonder how neophytes who didn't know vampires existed 5 minutes before can be so good at staking hearts and lopping off heads, but whatever...

Unfortunately, this fun premise, and a great twist at the end, are wasted on a schlocky production, unsure whether it's funny or serious, and definitely not scary. Suitable for a round of MST3K, or as a curiosity if you're a big Gerard Butler fan.

Halloween II (2009)
Written and directed by Rob Zombie
Starring Scout Taylor-Compton, Brad Dourif and Malcolm McDowell

Michael Myers comes back a year after his first rampage to finish the job. In Rob Zombie's second entry into the Halloween mythos, he rethinks a lot of the story and gives Michael Myers a supernatural motive of sorts for all the mayhem. Having had success with the initial remake, the studio gave him a lot more freedom with this one, and he uses it, after an initial tip of the hat to the hospital carnage of the original Halloween 2, to jump a year forward, follow up on the characters (Malcolm McDowell's "growth" being particularly witty) and change the characters to his liking.

More importantly, and in contrast to such well-conceived but poorly executed dreck as Dracula 2000 above, Zombie shows that he knows how to create tension in a horror film, giving surprises at the right time, using music and pacing and slow motion. Zombie mixes up the killings, showing enough but not too much, conveying the brutality and pain of Myers' attacks. Zombie seems, more often than not, more interested in the aftermath than the actual attack. Very skillfully handled. I hope Zombie continues to make many more horror movies, and this one is set up for a very different Halloween III.

Drag Me to Hell

Reviewed by Billy Bob Biggs.

Directed by Sam Raimi.

Written by Sam & Ivan Raimi.

Starring Alison Lohman, Justin Long, Lorna Raver, Dileep Rao and David Paymer.

After a long, dry spell where he made big-budget superhero flicks, Sam Raimi returns to his horror roots with Drag Me to Hell, the story of a nice, ambitious bank employee who rejects the wrong person's loan and is set on the express train to hell, or maybe the bus to Beelzebub, since it's gonna take three days to get there.

The movie starts off with Christine (Alison Lohman) attempting to impress her bank boss and get a promotion by refusing to give a kindly old lady an extension on her mortgage. Unfortunately, the kindly old lady goes all batshit and hides in the back seat of Christine's car, always the best way to approach your loan officer. The conversation doesn't go so well and they end up pulling each other's hair out and poking one another in the eye until the old lady craftily hides under Christine's car until she can pop out and rip a button off her coat, cursing it and Christine and putting her (and her coat) on a 3-day path to Hell!

That's right, Gypsy curse fans, for those of you who have been waiting since 1996's Thinner for another entry into this fine sub genre, your wait is over! Amazing they are so few and far between considering the relevance to our lives today. I can't go two blocks without seeing nasty, one-eyed crazy gypsy ladies putting curses on some poor hot dog vendor or cab driver...

So anyway, Christine may be a morally ambivalent yuppie, but she can sense when she's got a hex on her soul so she immediately goes to have her fortune read by Dileep Rao, who, despite operating a little retail amulet and magic powder shop, has enough magic in him to recognize that he doesn't want this cursed girl within 10 feet of him, and he sends her packing.

Soon Christine is back home with her kitty, Justin Long having gone home to play with his coin collection, and the demon makes its first appearance. See, it takes the demon three days to work up enough power to drag Christine to hell so initially he just shows up to say "howdy," cast scary shadows on the wall and slap her around a little.

Christine becomes convinced that she has been cursed and goes back to Dileep, who begins taking her credit card payments and advises her to make amends with the old gypsy lady, which doesn't work. Christine runs around for two days prior to her deadline trying various things to get rid of the curse, making animal sacrifice, trying to transfer the curse to someone else, all the while having visions of the old gypsy lady attacking her in a shed, gruesome eyeballs popping up in her soup, and the demon showing up for her nightly flogging.

I won't give more away, but it's Sam Raimi back to his gruesome, Three Stooges horror best.

12 buckets blood. Eyeballs roll. Corpses roll. Stapler fu. Volkswagen fu. Goat fu. No breasts. Billy Bob says check it out.

The Undertaker and His Pals (1966)

Written and Directed by T.L.P Swicegood

Starring Ray Dannis, Warrene Ott, James Westmoreland, Marty Friedman, Sally Frei, and other people you never heard of.

Reviewed by Billy Bob Biggs

This is a movie about a trio of motorcycle riding, masked thugs who show up in people's tiny apartments, or while they're in the steam room, or sitting in their car in broad daylight on a California seaside highway to beat them, stab them, and cut off their tasty bits and cook them up in a seedy greasy spoon that no one eats at. The two crazies at the greasy spoon have come up with a sure-fire recipe for their troubles, along with the undertaker. The crazies get fresh meat that no one will eat and the undertaker gets mutilated bodies for which he can overcharge whoever's paying for the funeral.

This was an impressive directorial debut for T.L.P. Swicegood (amazingly, apparently his real name), who had a couple of writing credits prior to this innovative gem. He had a lot of new ideas on how to make a horror flick which I'll note as they come up. Sadly, he was not allowed to make any more movies after this one so we'll never know how far he could have taken the art of blood-spattered gorefests.

• New Idea #1: Undercut the tension in horror with a boppy jazz soundtrack.
  

The movie opens with our motorcycle trio breaking into a woman's crappy one-room apartment, and, after a brief chase across the room, stabbing her to death and escaping with her meaty gams (apparently they had looked up in the phone book girls with big legs who lie around their apartments writing letters with no pants on.)

• New Idea #2: Having a photo comedically change expressions, from smiling, to alarmed, to saddened, while the victim is dismembered.

Cut to a private detective whose secretary moons over him and wants to marry him. In an apparent attempt to change her mind about his appeal he takes her to the aforementioned greasy spoon, where the owner behaves weirdly and has only one dish to offer per day. Then the p.i. takes her home and leaves her on her doorstep.

• New Idea #3: Completely disregard the Hollywood tradition of shooting a scene that's supposed to take place at night, at night. Audiences in 1966 were mature enough to not care when the sky goes from dark night to broad daylight to twilight and back again in one scene. Innovative!
  

The secretary immediately changes into her pajamas and goes outside to see who is strangling her cat. Upon finding three leather-clad motorcyclists in her backyard she neglects to scream or run back into the house, but cowers against the side of it in horror as the men advance on her like snails across 30 feet of open lawn. Finally, she attempts to run away when they are within grabbing distance but too late!

• New Idea #4: Have the murder happen off-camera and pan toward the body for a minute or two, until the audience has lost interest in watching, and just about the time they have decided to scoot out to the concession stand for another box of Raisinets, have the dead, impaled body of the victim peek into the screen for a split second and cut to a new scene. Peekaboo! Didja see it?

I don't want to spoil the rest of this cinema classic for you, but here are some of the other innovations of T.L.P. Swicegood:

• New Idea #5: When a woman is being chased by the men on motorcycles, reversing and skidding and revving their engines while she zigs and zags on foot across the blacktop, ignore the tradition of having the sound effects match what's going on. The sound of a softly purring motorcyle engine will suffice.
• New Idea #6: Have your villains be broadly silly and comedic before, after and during scenes of menace and mayhem. That won't undercut the terror.
• New Idea #7: Have your hero disappear inexplicably before the end of the movie so the villain can be killed by a supporting character, by accident!

Zero breasts. 5 buckets blood. Legs roll, internal organs are played with. Cleaver to the head, chain to the face, multiple stabbings, full-body acid dunking. Three stars.

Billy Bob says check it out.

Children of Men

Directed by Alfonso Cuaron

Released 2006

Starring: Clive Owen as Theo, Julianne Moore as Julian, Michael Caine as Jasper and Clare-Hope Ashitey as Kee.

Review by CINEMAGIRL:

Children of Men starts in a time much like our own, with a horde of disconnected people glued to the action unfolding on a television screen in a coffee shop, as it is announced that the world's youngest person has died. However, the year is 2027 and in this time human beings are infertile, making the youngest of us semi-miracles and celebrities and society's tie to the once hopeful past.

As our leading man, Theo (Clive Owen) breaks from the mesmerized and traumatized coffee shop crowd and exits to the street, the shop explodes, showing us that not only is the human race screwed with infertility but random violence, terrorism and chaos. Sort of like today, but on steroids; a frighteningly grim picture of the not-so-distant future.

In this tragic world, Theo has one ally, Jasper played by a long-haired aging hippie version of Michael Caine. Jasper lives in hiding in a wooded compound with his catatonic wife, a victim of government interference and control.

In this age, there are two forces at work, the government, which is fighting an enormous war on immigration and shipping illegal immigrants to camps, and the Fishes, a radical group working to undermine the government.

Theo is quickly recruited by his ex-wife, Julian - the leader of the Fishes - played by Julianne Moore to help her move a refugee out of the country, a miraculously pregnant African girl named Kee.

Theo doesn't want the job, but ends up roped into the situation and accepts his fate as the Joseph to this Mary. There's even a great scene with the two of them in a barn where Kee reveals her pregnant belly to her protector.

Along the way, there are violent action sequences and chase scenes, but rather than carried out in the typical Hollywood fashion, there are long, single-shot sequences, almost POV, where the camera looks around to give the viewer an eyeful. The look is similar to documentary, or more-so, reality television, which again, is a clever connection to today's viewer and the path our destructive actions may be taking us down.

One scene in particular is gut-wrenching in its slow, mesmerizing pace. After Kee has given birth to the miracle baby and is attempting to hide it amidst a violent refugee uprising and military retaliation, the child is revealed, putting a halt to the war and bloodshed as onlookers stop for a moment of reverence. This scene was incredible and clearly drove home the point that the hope of a child and the future tied to it are powerful enough reasons to end violence.

Children of Men is an excellent ride. Not so much fun as enthralling. Science fiction thrillers like this that are set so near in the future that they don't feel like a stretch at all are often the most disturbing because of the possibility that this really could be the fate of humanity.

I definitely recommend this the rental. Watch it on the weekend when you have time to pore over it and consider all its attributes.

ACTING: 8

LOOK: 8

STORY: 9

OVERALL: 8.5

Friday the 13th (2009)

Directed by Marcus Nispel

Starring Jared Padelecki, Danielle Panabaker, Amanda Righetti, Travis Van Winkle, Aaron Woo and Derek Mears.

Review by Billy Bob Biggs

The new Friday the 13^th reboot starts out pretty good, showing newbie director Marcus Nispel knows what puts butts in seats for a Jason flick, namely teenagers getting drunk, getting nekkid and getting killed in creative ways by everybody’s favorite hockey-mask wearing psycho. In the first 15 minutes we are treated to 5 pot-head idiots who think it’s a good idea to venture out to Camp Crystal Lake, pop their tents, pop their tits and make the sign of the double-backed woodchuck.

Soon Jason notices the zit brigade and shows up with his trusty machete and a bear trap he happened to have handy. He makes Jiffy Pop out of one of them and goes all Frank Booth on another. Heads roll, legs are flayed, flesh burns, roll opening credits. Off to a good start.

If you don’t know Jason, where have you been since 1980? He’s got mama issues; he’s not a big talker. He pretty much kills anybody who wanders into the woods. He’s not into torturing them or eating them afterwards or anything, pretty much wants to kill them as quickly as possible, with whatever’s handy. Gardening implements are a favorite, but knitting needles or the occasional flare gun are not out of the question. He likes to sneak up behind people and stand there until they notice him. He does sometimes get creative with the corpses afterwards, a favorite gag being stringing them up in the ceiling or the trees so that pop down like a reverse jack-in-the-box to scare the crap out of his next victim. I always wanted to see him go through the mechanics of doing that; maybe it’ll be on the DVD extras.

This flick plays like Jason’s greatest hits. First we get a quick recap of mama Voorhees, we move through Jason’s awkward teen years with a sack on his head, and then he discovers hockey. We also have the teenager who reminds Jason of his mama and the usual spam-in-a-cabin gags.

One of my faves is always the creepy, half crazy local who warns our group of victims about how Crystal Lake is a sucky camping spot, but in pretty unhelpful terms, like “People go missing around here, they’re gone for good. Outsiders come they don’t know where to walk…We just want to be left alone, and so does he.” They never say anything truly helpful like “You teenagers need to turn your car around and get the fuck out of here ‘cause there’s a crazy man living around here who kills everybody who so much as stops to change a tire within 5 miles of Camp Crystal Lake. I’d move myself but my property value has totally gone to shit because of that psycho.”

Our next group of victims is 7 friends who go to this preppy jerk’s house near Crystal Lake. The preppy jerk’s name is Trent, but he’s not Trent Reznor and you pretty much want him to die as soon as he starts talking. He does have a way with the women, though, and says stuff like “You got perfect nipple placement baby .” When Trent finally does die (hope that doesn’t spoil you too much) you can be happy to know that that annoying Trent guy---the dicky football player in Transformers---got killed too. ‘Cause it’s the same character, played by the same actor.

There’s a token black guy and a token Asian in the group, and a couple of girls…they soon hook up with a good looking, motorcycle-riding sincere guy who’s looking for his sister that disappeared with the group before the credits (can you say hero?)

There’s a great scene where Jason kills a couple out water skiing topless. Gratuitous Chrissie from Jaws. Jason proves what a great shot he is, really impressive, and the director gives us one last look at the girl’s boobs before she sinks back into the lake.

Anyway, it’s a pretty good reboot, though Jason didn’t leave anybody’s severed head in the refrigerator. Probably saving that for the sequel. 14 dead bodies, 3 gallons blood, 7 breasts, 1 ass. Heads roll, ears roll, machete to the head and throat, machete whackamole, arrow thru the head, speedboat to the head, spike thru the throat, axe and machete to the back, antlers to the back, tow truck to the back, fireplace poker through the eye. Gratuitous Blue Velvet and “Sister Christian.” 3 ½ stars.

Billy Bob says check it out.

Zombieland

Directed by Ruben Fleischer

Starring Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin.

Reviewed by Junior.

Doubling the genre of zombie parody films (held exclusively by Shaun of the Dead since 2004), Zombieland is a solid entry with a small, good cast. The film begins with one lone survivor, Columbus (Eisenberg), and his rules for survival, used repeatedly for humorous effect throughout, such as 1. Cardio, 2. Beware of Bathrooms, 3. Seatbelts, 4. Doubletap... all explained and proven very practical by our unlikely, somewhat nerdy protagonist.

Columbus soon hooks up with another survivor, Tallahassee (Harrelson), who revels in the chaos of Zombieland and has no such concerns for rules or other survivors in general. This diametrically opposed male duo soon meets up with two sisters, played by Stone and Breslin and our quartet, after initially clashing, set off on a road trip across a zombie-filled wasteland to California.

The film starts out with some very violent bits initially, which should be no surprise considering the genre, but soon settles into more of a lightweight buddy flick (x2) vibe. One can almost forget that the world has been overrun by the undead. Our heroes never seem to be in any real danger, which doesn't hurt the enjoyment of the film, but does give it a different flavor than you might expect. We learn the backstories of our motley group and they bond. I won't give away the very entertaining cameo appearance, all too short lived, when they arrive in Hollywood.

Of course, in the third act the movie does reach a slightly menacing crescendo, reaching a satisfying conclusion and setting up a sequel. Not, in my opinion, as funny, smart, or dark as Shaun of the Dead, Zombieland is nevertheless an entertaining romp with an appealing cast, solidly directed by first-timer Ruben Fleischer, at a perfect length of 88 minutes.

Story: 6

Acting: 7

Look: 7

Overall: 7

An Education

Directed by Lone Scherfing.

Based on the memoir by Lynn Barber. Adapted for the screen by Nick Hornby.

Starring Carey Mulligan as Jenny and Peter Sarsgaard as David.

Released 2009.

Review by CINEMAGIRL:

An Education is a lovely, well-acted film with great 1960s scenery a sweet love story and....a dark underbelly.

Jenny (Carey Mulligan - Oscar nominee) is a studious, English private school girl whose father (Alfred Molina) dreams of educating her at Oxford. While Dad is busy pushing her to study her Latin, Jenny would rather play her cello and hang out with her gal pals at the local coffee shop, where they smoke cigarettes and fantasize about being Parisian.

One day, Jenny meets David (Peter Sarsgaard) - a playboy twice her age - and a world of decadence, jazz clubs, and fine dining opens up to her. Jenny's parents believe David's good intentions, or at least choose to look the other way, and accept his "positive" influence on their daughter while becoming enamored with his wealth.

The dynamic between Jenny and David is enthralling. Jenny has her head on her shoulders. She is a commanding girl which David is so happy to oblige. David enjoys wining and dining with his new girlfriend, who although half his age, can hold a discussion on Classical music and speak French. In a sense, he's found a lady he can mold into a girlfriend, instead of the other way around.

David is charming, disarming, so willing to please...but all as long as he can get his own way. He is gentle, yet completely manipulative - willing to lie, cheat and steal because he is infallible. After the writer and director so expertly pull the audience in and make them feel comfortable in this completely inappropriate relationship does the story begin to reveal the many reasons why this coupling is doomed.

What I really loved about this story was rather than depicting Jenny as a flirtatious bimbo who had a train-wreck relationship headed her way, she is quite the opposite. Although it could be argued that she was manipulated by the ever charming David, Jenny is a willing accomplice throughout the story. She leaps at the chance to be treated like an adult and fulfill her personal dreams. Granted, she is far too immature to be completely responsible for her actions or the relationship, however she is not the classic "girl victim" who falls for a man out of her league only to be emotionally and psychologically damaged. You get the feeling that Jenny will be all right, because she is so smart and wise for her age.

Interesting to keep in mind is that this screenplay is based on a memoir, meaning this actually occurred in the life of the author. Nick Hornby is nominated for an Oscar for best adapted screenplay.

I highly recommend this film. I don't think it has much of a chance as a Academy Award Best Picture nominee (it's just not that kind of movie) but it's an excellent ride made memorable by great acting.

STORY: 8

ACTING: 8

LOOK: 8

Overall: 8

Wanted

Directed by Timur Bekmambetov

Starring James McAvoy, Morgan Freeman, Angelina Jolie, Terence Stamp and Thomas Krestschmann.

Reviewed by Junior.

An aimless office drone (McAvoy) is thrust into a world of preternaturally endowed assassins, learning that his father was one of them and that he is similarly endowed with extraordinary capabilities. After undergoing an excruciating indoctrination/training under the supervision of Fox (Jolie), he is sent out on his first assignment.

This movie can best be described as fantasy. While modern action flicks always require some suspension of disbelief, the outrageous Matrix-like capabilities of these assassins (due supposedly to having excess adrenalin in their systems) go well beyond any relation to reality. Further, the film serves as a fantasy for anyone stuck in a job they don't like, whose personal life isn't working out, and whose bank account isn't what they would wish it to be. All this is changed for our protagonist, Wesley Gibson, in one fell swoop.

McAvoy, fresh off a strong performance in the well-regarded The Last King of Scotland, does good work here, for what little is asked of him. Similarly slumming are Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman, who both give stock performances. The story is outlandish, with a magical loom giving coded messages from Fate to assign the assassin's targets and mysterious, milky baths which allow the killers to heal in days from serious wounds which should take months to heal. Oh, and the assassins can shoot bullets in a curved arc, rather than in a straight line like the rest of us.

These imaginative touches aside, the plot itself is easily predictable and ultimately pretty unsatisfying. However, if you are looking for crazy cgi action set-pieces and copious violence, you might enjoy Wanted. There is even a Wanted 2 in pre-production, for some reason.

P.S. Come to think of it, this movie would have actually been helped by the hoary old cliche of the protagonist waking up at the end and realizing it had all been a dream. Then he could have gotten up out of bed and gotten his real life in order. But they didn't do that, so we have Wanted 2 to look forward to.

Story: 1

Acting: 3

Look: 9

Overall: 4

Synecdoche, NY

Written and directed by Charlie Kaufmann

Starring Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Catherine Keener, Sadie Goldstein, Tom Noonan, Samantha Morton, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Emily Watson.

Reviewed by Junior.

syn·ec·do·che (n.) - A figure of speech in which a part is used for the whole (as hand for sailor), the whole for a part (as the law for police officer), the specific for the general (as cutthroat for assassin), the general for the specific (as thief for pickpocket), or the material for the thing made from it (as steel for sword).

Talented screenwriter Charlie Kaufmann's directorial effort is an ambitious, sprawling rumination on the meaning of life and death and purpose through the eyes of an unfulfilled and either hypochondriac or actually dying theater director, played by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Catherine Keener plays his wife in what begins as a sad story about a sad couple on the verge of divorce, in therapy, and trying to balance the needs of their young daughter. Add to that the fact that Cadon (Hoffman) seems to be dying to the mix and you have the beginnings of a very depressing movie indeed.

His personal life falling apart and feeling his mortality, Caden (Hoffman) Cotard embarks on an ambitious, sprawling and ever-growing theater piece attempting to encompass---well, everything. It expands to encompass a mini-reconstruction of New York, with actors playing various characters, real and imagined, and actors playing the actors playing them... Meanwhile we follow Cadon as the years slip away and his life continues to be sad and unfulfilling.

After the first 15 minutes the audience is never quite sure what is real and what is not in the film, whether we are in linear time or not, whether any of this is really happening. We are taken on a journey through time and the meaning of life. One has to admire Kaufmann's guts for assaying this most serious of subjects and a very complicated production for his fledgling directorial effort. He shows an accomplished grasp of technique, although a little editing would have helped when the film seems to drag on and belabor some points. The cast is first-rate, and performs well throughout. In the end, though, the audience is left to wonder what was the point of this grim exercise. Perhaps the point is that there is no point.

Story: 7

Acting: 8

Look: 8

Overall: 7.5