Friday the 13th (2009)

Directed by Marcus Nispel

Starring Jared Padelecki, Danielle Panabaker, Amanda Righetti, Travis Van Winkle, Aaron Woo and Derek Mears.

Review by Billy Bob Biggs

The new Friday the 13^th reboot starts out pretty good, showing newbie director Marcus Nispel knows what puts butts in seats for a Jason flick, namely teenagers getting drunk, getting nekkid and getting killed in creative ways by everybody’s favorite hockey-mask wearing psycho. In the first 15 minutes we are treated to 5 pot-head idiots who think it’s a good idea to venture out to Camp Crystal Lake, pop their tents, pop their tits and make the sign of the double-backed woodchuck.

Soon Jason notices the zit brigade and shows up with his trusty machete and a bear trap he happened to have handy. He makes Jiffy Pop out of one of them and goes all Frank Booth on another. Heads roll, legs are flayed, flesh burns, roll opening credits. Off to a good start.

If you don’t know Jason, where have you been since 1980? He’s got mama issues; he’s not a big talker. He pretty much kills anybody who wanders into the woods. He’s not into torturing them or eating them afterwards or anything, pretty much wants to kill them as quickly as possible, with whatever’s handy. Gardening implements are a favorite, but knitting needles or the occasional flare gun are not out of the question. He likes to sneak up behind people and stand there until they notice him. He does sometimes get creative with the corpses afterwards, a favorite gag being stringing them up in the ceiling or the trees so that pop down like a reverse jack-in-the-box to scare the crap out of his next victim. I always wanted to see him go through the mechanics of doing that; maybe it’ll be on the DVD extras.

This flick plays like Jason’s greatest hits. First we get a quick recap of mama Voorhees, we move through Jason’s awkward teen years with a sack on his head, and then he discovers hockey. We also have the teenager who reminds Jason of his mama and the usual spam-in-a-cabin gags.

One of my faves is always the creepy, half crazy local who warns our group of victims about how Crystal Lake is a sucky camping spot, but in pretty unhelpful terms, like “People go missing around here, they’re gone for good. Outsiders come they don’t know where to walk…We just want to be left alone, and so does he.” They never say anything truly helpful like “You teenagers need to turn your car around and get the fuck out of here ‘cause there’s a crazy man living around here who kills everybody who so much as stops to change a tire within 5 miles of Camp Crystal Lake. I’d move myself but my property value has totally gone to shit because of that psycho.”

Our next group of victims is 7 friends who go to this preppy jerk’s house near Crystal Lake. The preppy jerk’s name is Trent, but he’s not Trent Reznor and you pretty much want him to die as soon as he starts talking. He does have a way with the women, though, and says stuff like “You got perfect nipple placement baby .” When Trent finally does die (hope that doesn’t spoil you too much) you can be happy to know that that annoying Trent guy---the dicky football player in Transformers---got killed too. ‘Cause it’s the same character, played by the same actor.

There’s a token black guy and a token Asian in the group, and a couple of girls…they soon hook up with a good looking, motorcycle-riding sincere guy who’s looking for his sister that disappeared with the group before the credits (can you say hero?)

There’s a great scene where Jason kills a couple out water skiing topless. Gratuitous Chrissie from Jaws. Jason proves what a great shot he is, really impressive, and the director gives us one last look at the girl’s boobs before she sinks back into the lake.

Anyway, it’s a pretty good reboot, though Jason didn’t leave anybody’s severed head in the refrigerator. Probably saving that for the sequel. 14 dead bodies, 3 gallons blood, 7 breasts, 1 ass. Heads roll, ears roll, machete to the head and throat, machete whackamole, arrow thru the head, speedboat to the head, spike thru the throat, axe and machete to the back, antlers to the back, tow truck to the back, fireplace poker through the eye. Gratuitous Blue Velvet and “Sister Christian.” 3 ½ stars.

Billy Bob says check it out.